Personal intimacy and physical intimacy are not the same
thing. They can be. But they aren’t always.
You can have sex with someone you don’t know very well, care
for very much, or even don’t respect. There is no emotional risk when you
aren’t invested in the person you’re in bed with. You can claim an intimacy
with them because you were physically naked and your bodies intertwined. But
were you really engaged with that person? Was there a real connection? Or, were
they a prop in your experience? Were you a prop in theirs?
If you are okay not connecting any deeper than that, mazel
tov. You have what you want. If, however, you say you want a more profound bond
with someone, it needs to go beyond physical intimacy. This is where it gets
scary for people and I suspect this is the reason many of us make our personal
relationships sexual so early on. It’s an unconscious effort to bypass this
discomfort and have the appearance of intimacy. But deep down we know it’s not
the same thing.
Real intimacy is being your authentic self with someone else while they are their authentic self with you; warts and all. That’s really being naked. It’s a wonderful experience being seen for who you really are and being loved and accepted as such. The risk comes from not knowing how the other will react to the real you. This risk and the fear of that kind of rejection is the biggest obstacle to that deep connection we all say we want.
The risk is real. The cost can seem high. You invest in a
relationship and slowly, over time, reveal who you are and then, perhaps at
some point a year or two in, either you or the other person realizes you two
are not a good fit. Sometimes you can let this go on much, much longer and find
yourself married, with children, to a person you don’t really know and who
doesn’t know you. Ouch! That sort of pain corrodes your soul and your self-worth.
You thought you were protecting yourself from pain but instead you inflicted a
slow torture on yourself.
Now what?
You have a choice. Be who you really are. Be your authentic
self and let the chips fall where they may, or not. Actually, you have always
had this choice. If you didn’t actively choose then you might want to start by
looking at why not.
I
think it is better, and ultimately less painful, to be rejected for who you actually
are than pretend to be something you’re not.