Ellen-Mary O'Brien

Jun 172019
 

Finding someone to blame seems to be a cherished pastime for some people. They seem to believe it is an end unto itself as if assigning blame wraps up the issue and brings closure. Outside of lawsuits assigning blame doesn’t do much that is worthwhile. It may feel like it does but in practical terms it really doesn’t.

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay 

Mostly what blame provides is a false sense of absolution. Finding someone else at fault gives us the mistaken idea that we are free from responsibility for the situation. This is where it gets messy. It doesn’t change the reality that we have a piece of the work to do, it just gives us the illusion that we are off the hook. Responsibility is sometimes a hard thing and when we find a way to avoid it some of us jump right on that.

While someone else may be the reason something awful happened, and we had no part in the creation of the mess, we are still responsible to do what we can to make things right. It’s not on us to do the other person’s part for them but we also can’t foist our portion onto them because they were the genesis of the problem.

Two years ago Number Five graduated from high school. We had given her the 2003 Saturn Ion that Mr. Wonderful used to commute to the city for years. She was all set to spend the summer having fun, driving herself and her friends places, and then taking that car to college. At 4:30am on July 4th a neighbor of ours drove home seriously drunk. As he came barreling down our hill he crashed into the Saturn. It was parked right in front of our house and he hit it with such force he moved it more than seventy feet. With his front end smashed in and his bumper lying in front of our house, he kept driving. He took out a few garbage cans and tore up another neighbor’s lawn only stopping a hundred yards away when his engine failed. The noise woke the neighborhood. Number Five was so upset.

By assigning blame and shifting all responsibility onto another person we do more than just absolve ourselves. We give away our power to improve the situation. We unwittingly become trapped in the problem. The person responsible for the mess becomes the person required to clean it up and until that happens nothing changes, nothing improves.

Our drunk-driving neighbor was clearly wrong. He was to blame for the damage to her car, our mailbox, our neighbor’s garbage cans and lawn. If we responded to this the way so many choose to respond to personal damage we would have walked back into the house righteously angry with our inebriated neighbor and satisfied in our right to that anger. Yes, this mess was all his fault and, if we absolved ourselves of any responsibility because of that, the Saturn would still have been disabled and leaking gasoline. Our mailbox would still have been uprooted. We would be angry and waiting for someone else to fix it for us. This tactic doesn’t work.

You can hold someone responsible for the mess they create while doing what you can to put your life back together yourself. You can be angry with someone because their carelessness or callousness caused you pain and misery and you can still pick yourself up and deal with the fallout. It’s not an all or nothing situation. It’s important to know who causes problems in your life and you have every right to expect another adult to behave like an adult and to make amends for the things they’ve done that screwed up your life. You owe it to yourself to not hang on a hook waiting for that to happen. You owe it to yourself to do what you have to take care of yourself and set your world right again regardless of who knocked it sideways.

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Jun 032019
 

I frequently find myself empathizing with those who come to me for a reading. They are dealing with a confusing situation or making a painful decision and they don’t want to do it alone. These people want help and I want to help them. Frequently we work together with the cards and they leave with a plan, a better handle on their situation, or at least an understanding of what is going on. What happens occasionally is that they want more than support and help. They want things that tarot and I can’t give them.

The tarot won’t make your decisions for you. It will answer the questions you ask and even if that question is “What is the best decision for me?” the actual decision making will still be yours. As I said in my last post, a tarot reading is information. What you do with that information is up to you. You are free to reject the advice you receive from the cards and make a completely different decision.

The tarot won’t make excuses for your behavior. This one doesn’t come up often but it’s happened enough that I feel the need to mention it. We each see the world through our own perspective and we understand our motives for the things we do, or at least what we tell ourselves our motives are. The tarot is more objective and more literal than that. It will point out where you are kidding yourself. When your actions have consequences you didn’t intend, or more likely, you didn’t think about what the possible consequences could be, tarot will not let you off the hook. The tarot is neutral. It’s not interested in punishing you but it’s not here to give you absolution either. That’s what clergy is for. Better yet, seek out the person who suffered because of your actions, apologize, and if possible, make amends.

The tarot won’t give you permission. We spend so much of our lives having to appeal to an authority for permission to do things, that we get into the habit of thinking we need permission for everything. At some point you need to own your life and realize that you are the authority in your life. If you want to do something, and are willing to own the consequences of doing that thing, then go do it. You’re an adult. That’s what responsible adults do. I know it’s a hard habit to break especially if a lot of your life is structured so someone has authority over you, like a boss for instance. Your personal life is yours. You may have a life partner with whom you compromise about things, but in the end, you are responsible for your life and what becomes of it. Not anyone else. So there is no one whose permission you need, to be and do what you believe is right for you to be and do, except you.


So, yes, come get a reading. Gather information to help you make decisions about your life. Find an understanding of the situation you may not have considered. Have the courage to face the results of your actions and behaviors. Leave empowered to do what is most helpful for you.

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May 272019
 

Tarot has been a part of my life for such a long time that I forget that it’s not also a part of other people’s lives. It seems that most people are aware the cards exist and have seen them used in movies and on TV. Some go to a fair or a party and on a lark they get a reading. If they get a good reader, they will catch on that there is more to this than a deck of cards. Some of those folks come back. Some will get freaked out and never come back. There are those who know very little but believe they know enough to dismiss the whole business as evil and they want no part of it. Those people aren’t reading this blog so we can forget about them.

When I read for walk-ins at the shop I get at least one customer a day who has no real idea why they want a reading or what the point is but they pay for one and sit down across from me anyway and there are those who are curious but haven’t gone this far. This is for them.

A tarot reading is information but it is information the way Google is information: it gives the best results with a question or at least a topic. I can pull cards and tell you what they say but without a question or topic there is no context.

Cards from Pam’s Vintage Tarot

If I pulled these cards for a romance question the interpretation could be that money is an interfering factor in the progress of your relationship. If this were for a job interview question I would say the client did well at the interview, they would offer the job at good money, and she would have cause to celebrate. The question matters.

A tarot reading can give you a different perspective. When you are contemplating something in your life and spending a lot time thinking about it, it’s helpful to get another view of the situation. The cards are not invested in your preferences or your choices so the messages they give are frequently indifferent to those things. Sometimes this is just what you need to get a fresh look at your circumstances. Sometimes it will piss you off. Both things are useful.

A tarot reading can help you make decisions. When faced with two seemingly good ideas tarot can help give you clarity. The cards will ratify the decision you want to make but for some reason didn’t let yourself. This will make you feel good about that decision. It feels like validation. What’s also interesting is when the cards say the other decision is better. If you are disappointed by the outcome of the reading you might not be too happy with the tarot but you will know how you really feel about the decision in front of you.


Next time you’re at a fair or come across a shop with a reader, you will have a better idea of what to expect if you choose to have a reading. Be sure to have a question or topic and remember it’s information and advice. What you do with that is entirely up to you.

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May 062019
 

Mr. Wonderful is leaving on a business trip. He hates traveling. He doesn’t mind being somewhere else. It’s the getting from here to there and back again that causes his distress. I feel for him. I walked into our room to find him sorting through his itinerary, organizing things for his trip while listening to the sappiest music playing on his tablet. He was singing along to it too. When he realized I was watching him he said “It cheers me up.” Well, then, Mr. Wonderful, carry on!


This is a thing we all do to some degree to help navigate life and smooth the rough edges. We change our atmosphere to help change our mood. Often it’s done reactively to calm ourselves down and it’s effective. I like to use it deliberately and I coach my clients to make use of this tool to manage not only their mood but their presence in the world.


Remember when you were a kid and you played ‘dress up’? You would put on a cape, or a crown, or both and suddenly you were a superhero or a princess. You felt like you could fly. You felt regal and important. How do you feel when you get dressed for work in the morning? Do you don an outfit that makes you feel powerful or one that makes you feel like you disappear? It matters. When you come home from work do you change out of your work clothes? What clothes do you change in to? How do they make you feel? The most important question: Is this working for you?

There are many things in our lives that are outside our control. But there are also many things we can control that we have chosen not to. We fall into routines that we no longer think about and mindlessly behave in ways that may not be helping us. It’s good for us to periodically take a step back and reevaluate the things we do, especially the things we do every day. The habits and routines we have reinforce themselves and the mindset that goes with them. Things that are repeated daily become frameworks and our life is lived inside them and shaped by them.


When you dress in a hurry, in the same outfit you’ve worn a hundred times, that you bought because it fit the dress code, not because you liked it, you don’t feel good in it. You may not feel anything in it, but you certainly don’t feel confident and powerful. What would your work day be like if you did feel confident and powerful? How might your career progress if you showed up in your power every day? What would you wear to feel that personal power?

This isn’t just about clothes. It extends out into your environment too. I have a friend whose day job is nothing exciting but it finances the life she is building for herself. She plays a particular mix of music on the way to work and a different mix on the way home. The first thing she does, when she comes home from work, is to change into the clothes that resonate with the new life she is building. The work clothes get put away. Incense gets lit. Her jewelry changes, her shoes change, and her hairdo is different. It’s about shifting from one persona to another. It’s about changing the energy she is living in to support the vision she is creating. Her work clothes are beautiful but they are part of a costume for that performance. Her costume, when she isn’t at work, is about who she is then. It delineates her work life from her home life. The physical changes enhance and enable the mental shift and her time away from work feels more like her own when she does these things.

How do you want to feel when you go about your day? What is the soundtrack for that feeling? What scent puts you in the state? What clothing invokes that feeling? Too many changes at once? Try changing one thing tomorrow and see how it feels? Then change another, and another, and let me know how it goes.

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Apr 292019
 
Readers Studio 2019 Image by Callie French

I am back home and another Readers Studio is a very pleasant memory.

As always, the experience is more than just the classes.

It’s the camaraderie of fellow tarot enthusiasts who understand when you describe people as ‘such a Knight of Swords.’

It’s spending days immersed in a world where conversations are peppered with references to place energy, spirits, crystals. They range from Carl Jung, Gestalt Theory, the Milgram Experiment, and Shadow Work, to Brat Dolls, Gem Girls, the unintended consequences of the Protestant work ethic. This was just during one lunch.

And no one thought it was weird.

It’s being in the company of people who share their sage spray so you can calm the jangly energy in your hotel room so you can sleep better… and it works.

Readers Studio is as much a business convention as it is family reunion. We look out for each making sure everyone is fed, hydrated, and has a place to sleep, while at the same time sharing marketing advice and branding techniques. By the time Sunday rolls around every participant is a cousin on the Tarot School side of the family. And no one thinks that’s weird either.

It’s a conclave of tarot lovers where researchers, publishers, artists, professional readers, writers, and therapists mingle and share that love. Every year I leave Readers Studio with a renewed passion for the tarot and new skills to deploy. I also have a full heart and deep abiding love for all the wonderful people I spent the past few days with.

I can’t wait until next year!

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Apr 152019
 
The Tower from the Rider Waite Smith Tarot

About ten days ago I pulled The Tower for my card of the day. I posted it on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter then I got on with my day. That day was whacky and I shared some of the mayhem online. Since then I’ve had several conversations with friends and clients, regarding the Tower and what it means. I think this is worth sharing here.


That morning was full of small annoyances that I didn’t put together right away. I started the day by sleeping through my alarm. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I misplaced my car keys and was five minutes late for what I thought was a ten o’clock appointment. At ten-fifteen I texted the woman I was meeting with to say I hope she was okay and that we could reschedule. She called to let me know it was really an eleven o’clock appointment. I checked my phone calendar and sure enough it was for eleven.


It wasn’t worth going back home so I drove down the block and parked in front of the bagel place. While I was inside getting a quick breakfast sandwich I got a parking ticket. After my appointment I thought I’d just pay the ticket and get it over with but the court closed at noon for lunch. I went on with my plans hoping things would be less pesky from then on.


While loading groceries into my car I got an awful cardboard cut on my thumb. For the first time in memory I had no bandages in my purse. There were none in the car. I wrapped my bleeding thumb in some napkins and drove home. I opened the car door in my driveway and I learned the hard way that half a dozen hairs on my head had gotten caught in the window when I closed it. I bandaged up my thumb, and got the groceries into the house uneventfully. This was followed by my lunch exploding all over the inside of the microwave and burning my tongue on a cup of tea. That’s when I called it a day, changed into my house clothes and stayed home.


The Tower is an alert. It is also a message to pay attention. It’s a call to keep an eye out and be mindful because surprises happen. In a reading, depending on the question asked, The Tower can be a wakeup call. It shows up to jar you and make you focus. The image is startling and the thought of the experience it depicts helps you hone in on what is actually important to you. It shakes you up and gets you thinking about the world outside your comfort zone; outside your head.

Occasionally I will have a client freak a little when The Tower makes an appearance. Sometimes they are responding to the image and sometimes they know just enough about Tarot that they spook themselves. I’m always amazed at the human capacity to assume the worst.

That lightning strike that breaks the tower could be that bolt from the blue that brings clarity. It could be a catalyst event that brings sudden understanding. It is a moment of enlightenment. This is not sunshine and roses but it’s not Armageddon either. ‘A-ha’ moments are game changers. A sudden deeper understanding of yourself or the world around you changes your life forever. You can never go back to not knowing what you know and, with that, the old ways are destroyed.

Certain structures in your life are in your way. They could be habits, relationships, routines, even thinking patterns that are unhelpful but comfortable and familiar to you. Their destruction would be an upheaval but it would also be the best thing that ever happened to you. It won’t feel that way when it’s going on but looking back on the experience you will be grateful for it. The Tower can mean that too.

Yes, the Tower can be bad news. It’s giving you a heads up that something unpleasant is headed your way. This could be a humbling experience. A blow to your ego can feel like an exploding tower. What the Tower refers to has everything to do with the context of your reading and the questions you asked. It is also influenced by the other cards pulled for that question. Maybe it means your job is in jeopardy or maybe that you’re being transferred. It might mean the boss you love is leaving or you will have that fight with your annoying co-worker.

As my card of the day the Tower was the energy of that day. It was a series of irritating things that tested my balance and resilience. It had no other context and answered no focused questions for me. In isolation it is the energy of release, of falling structures, of chaos and confusion, it’s the revelation of a hidden truth, it’s disruption of order and it’s unpredictable. As you can see from my day in that energy, it can just be really annoying.

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Apr 082019
 

This recent moon cycle I pulled my card of the day from the Nicoletta Ceccoli Tarot. I chose this deck because it’s been showing up in my social media feeds and, from the images I saw, the artwork intrigued me.


When I get a new deck, or am perusing someone else’s ‘new to me’ deck, I look at and for a few things. The feel of the cards matters to me. That includes not only the surface texture but the flexibility of the cards and the sturdiness. There is a sweet spot. It’s the place where flexibility allows for a good shuffle and the quality provides a confidence that the deck won’t fall apart quickly with continued use. This deck hits that sweet spot for me.


I next check out some specific cards. I think most tarot readers do this but we don’t all examine the same cards. I start with Death because I’m fascinated with the ways different artists interpret that card.


The others I always check out are the Tower, The High Priestess, and my birth card, The Empress. Her Empress is unique in she is not pregnant or surrounded by food and flowers. She is out in nature, gently examining it and being examined by it in turn. Still there is an abundance feeling to the image in the relaxed, at home posture of the Empress. Compared to the Empress in a different deck this one looks almost sparse but in her element, in the context of this deck, she is in repose and quite magnanimous.


The deck, as a whole, also needs to speak to me. The images might be beautiful but if I don’t connect to them I can’t give a good reading with them. This deck was interesting because I wasn’t actually thrilled with it at first but I couldn’t stop looking at it. It’s the creepy/cute thing. It’s beautifully uncomfortable when it’s done well and in this deck it is done well. The first few days I did a daily draw and thought for sure I’d be giving this deck away when I was done. Now, I’m not parting with it. That decision was made when I pulled the Ten of Swords.


This is an amazing depiction of the meaning and energy of that card. She is both martyr and victim in one.


All in all I like this deck. The artwork is well executed and in keeping with the Rider Waite Smith meanings of the cards. The quality of the cards themselves is good; flexible enough to shuffle but sturdy enough to last. If creepy cute artwork does it for you then I recommend Nicoletta Ceccoli Tarot.

Bring it home and play with it forever, and ever, and ever.

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Apr 012019
 
Iris and Allium shoots in my garden

Spring is here in the Hudson Valley and little plants are poking up through the soil. The grass in my yard is slowly greening. There is a fresh-start feeling to springtime and an urge to start something new. I’ve been feeling it myself so I pulled a few cards for insight.

The Hermit ~ How do you know where to begin without some study and introspection? What needs to be refreshed or renewed in your life? What new endeavor should you pursue? The Hermit says to get quiet with yourself and get clear about who you are and who you want to be. Then you can decide what is best for you to do next. Take some time and ask yourself where you want to be, and who you want to be in six months; in a year. Compare that to where and who you are now. What steps, in which direction, do you need to take, to get from here to there?

Nine of Cups ~ There is so much good in your life right now. Take a moment to appreciate all that is working for and pleasing to you. So much of your life is good. We tend to forget about the parts or our lives that aren’t causing us trouble because they generally don’t require a lot of attention. Take a good look at your current situation and list all the things you can be grateful for. As we move through changes to improve our lives it’s important to express gratitude for the life we already have. When you know what is good and functional in your life, you can build on that and better see what is not working and how to improve it.

The Tower ~ Change can be messy. Big changes can bring big messes. This can be discouraging, but understand, it is all part of the growth process. Sometimes, to create something new, you have to destroy something old. To have what you’ve never had, you have to do what you’ve never done. This can mean breaking old habits and that’s uncomfortable. A big goal requires a big change and change can be destructive as well as disruptive. The Tower is here to remind you that that is how it goes sometimes and it’s not a sign that things are going wrong. It’s a sign that change is happening.

Page of Wands ~ Be brave. Change is scary. New beginnings are scary. Doing something you’ve never done before is unsettling. You’ve got this. Having the courage to change or to try something new is just the beginning. If you want it you will have to find that place in you that won’t take ‘No’ for an answer, and go get it. Be creative in your approach and in how you manage setbacks. Just because one avenue closed doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to approach your challenge. Remember this is your adventure.

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Mar 252019
 

Getting a handle on your self-talk is a big step toward making positive changes in your life. The next step is affirmations. Don’t roll your eyes. I know you have probably come across the same dross I’ve seen regarding affirmations and you have probably given the practice a shot before now. If your experience with it was anything like mine, it left you a bit flat. It wasn’t worthless but it wasn’t worth the hype.


Affirmations are not supposed to be just feel-good platitudes. They are deliberate self-talk with a specific purpose and focus. With affirmations you are making promises to yourself, stated in the present tense, to bring those promises into reality. As a tool for goal achievement or self-improvement, affirmations are very useful as part of a bigger plan.


To be most effective affirmations need to be specific, positive, and they need to be stated in the present tense. The first time you do it will feel like you are lying to yourself. I am not currently lean, strong, and healthy. Why am I saying that I am? What you are doing is setting an intention for a reality you want to inhabit. One day you will say “I am lean, strong, and healthy” and it will be true. Saying it today, tomorrow, the next day, and so on, puts you in line with that future reality and bringing it into your present moment.

If instead you said “I’m going to be lean, strong, and healthy.” you would never get there because that statement is always in the future from the time you are saying it. You can never get to the future. You can only go from the present to another present.

It also needs to be positive, as in the affirmative. You say “I am lean, strong, and healthy” not “I am not fat, not weak, and not unhealthy.” The positive statements are more specific and focused on what you want. The “I am not” statements only specify what is not going to happen. They are not focused on what you want to bring into your life. They are not enough information so they are not helpful. If I ask you what you want for dinner and you say “not fish” you gave me information but didn’t really tell me what you want. It works like that.


Think of something you really wanted in the past that you eventually achieved or acquired. When you thought about it and took it seriously as a goal, you would picture yourself owning and using the thing, or enjoying the accomplishment. You really wanted that car and would picture yourself driving down the highway in that car. That was a present tense visualization you used. The same thing happened when you imagined earning your diploma, mastering a yoga pose, or getting married. You could picture yourself doing or having these things and that picture in your head was a present tense picture. Affirmations are the verbal equivalent of that visualization. “I am driving a blue, BMW Z4 Convertible” is the affirmation that describes the present tense image in your mind of driving that convertible.


To be effective, affirmations need to be repeated every day. When you say them every day, when you write them in your journal every day, you set your intention every day. You sharpen your focus every day. You effectively say “This is the destination I’m headed for and this is what it will exactly be.”


When you say them you need to feel them too. Feeling it while you say it makes work better. You embody the energy of the affirmed circumstance you want and that brings it to life. Do that every day.


Affirmations work best if they build on each other. “I am lean, strong, and healthy.” is awesome by itself, but there is a lot that goes along with that reality. What do you need to do to be lean, strong, and healthy? State that completely and in the present tense. Start with the main thing you want and as you come to understand what it really means to be that, you will see what else you need to be doing to support that reality.


Start with “I am lean, strong, and healthy.” After a few days you will realize that to be lean, strong, and healthy requires certain habits you don’t currently possess. Make those into affirmations, make them specific, and stack them with the first one.
“I am lean, strong, and healthy.”
“I get eight hours of restful sleep each night.”
“I do yoga for an hour, three days a week.”
Get the idea?


Begin with one goal. Start with one statement. What do you want your life to be six months from now? a year from now? State it positively, specifically, and in the present tense. Feel it. If you have never had this experience or thing then feel what you think it will feel like to be or have this thing. Really experience the being of it for a moment while you recite your affirmations. Do this every morning. Do this every evening. After a few days you may find yourself adding detail to your statements or adding new statements to your list. That’s fine. Keep going. You will build it up over time and spend about ten minutes or so each time you do this practice. It doesn’t need to be longer than that.


Affirmations move your energy and focus. They remind you of the life you want to have and person you want to be. They train your thinking, and shift your mindset from where you began to where you want to be. You begin to think and behave like a person who is lean, strong, and healthy. You get a better idea of what that means and what does and does not support that life. You see more choices and make decisions that support you in ways you didn’t before.


As you recite and embody these statements over the days and weeks, you will find yourself seeing opportunities to take action that line up with direction you want to go. Do it. Affirmations alone don’t change your behaviors and habits. You have to do that yourself. This takes time. One day, you will recite your affirmations and they will be true statements of your life in that moment.

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Mar 112019
 

What do you say when you talk to yourself? Do you know? Or is there constant commentary running in your head that has been there so long you don’t even consciously notice it? Spring is a good time to start cleaning this up too.


Our self-talk is a combination of many factors. It might sound like a parent, even use his/her phrases, but it is not just a result of their input. The culture you were raised in, the friends you had and have, and the values you soak in your whole life. You filter this through your unique brain and it informs the things you place importance on and the things you judge and praise about yourself, out loud and in your own head.


We have all said things out loud that we wish we hadn’t but it’s the ‘in your own head’ conversation that can cause the most trouble. Everything you do in your life originates with a thought. Every action you take and decision you make is a thought first. If those thoughts are negative or defeatist you stop yourself before you even begin. So what can you do about this?


You need awareness of what you’re currently thinking about yourself so you can catch and stop the self-talk if it’s unhelpful, or deliberately focus on those things you think that are helping you. For positive results in your real world you want to cultivate the helpful thoughts and eliminate the others. You already know when, during your average day, your thoughts unspool while you’re busy doing something else. During a shower, commuting to work, or any other activity you do frequently that doesn’t require your undivided attention. It’s during these times that you can allow it to wander but pay attention to what you are thinking. If you catch yourself suddenly feeling sad, angry, jealous, stop and scroll back through the thoughts you had before the feeling hit. Once you are aware of what you’re saying you will catch it more readily and be able to stop yourself in your tracks.


Then you will need a helpful replacement for the unhelpful thoughts. Whatever is working against you has to go. Spin what you’ve been saying so it’s more helpful. Take a negative and reframe it, changing the context of the thought or the focus of it to a more positive one. You can tell the difference in how the thoughts feel and that can guide you. Keep the self-talk in the first person as in ‘I am…’ or ‘I feel…’ If you still aren’t sure whether you’re on the right track, say it out loud. Would you say this phrase to a person you love? Would they feel better after hearing it? Do you?

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